When reflecting on a past relationship, one song can bring back a tidal wave of memories.
You go to a party with someone new; and just as his hand reaches for yours, the turntable clicks to a song that your first love used to play for you on lazy Sundays.
You have a record that you used to enjoy, but now resent; every chord reminds you of her.
You’re picking up milk at the grocery store when you hear a song that you danced to at a wedding once, and that stab of recognition is enough to make your lungs gasp for air.
“You’re the reason why I’ll move to the city/You’re why I’ll need to leave.” - Sharon Van Etten
We cooked pasta to Andrew Bird. We fell asleep to Iron & Wine. We sang in the car to The Avett Brothers. We dissected the lyrics of Wilco and Arcade Fire. We made memories to Neutral Milk Hotel, St. Vincent, The Decemberists, and Radiohead. We were happy. And then we weren’t.
“Now I’m weaker than the palest blue/Oh so weak in this need for you” - Nick Drake
Little did I know that attaching myself to him was the real poison, already pulsing its sweet nectar through my veins.
“Come on, skinny love, just last the year/Pour a little salt we were never here/My my my, my my my, my my/staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer” - Bon Iver
“And this is the room, one afternoon/I knew I could love you” - Neutral Milk Hotel
Now, he was just an idea of a person. He was a shell of what I needed him to be; a dream that kept me warm at night. I willed his declarations to mean something. I pretended that he cared.
“I’ve got reservations/about so many things/but not about you” - Wilco
He never did.
“I spent the summer on my back/Another attack/Steal you just to get along, get along, get along/Turn off the TV, wait in bed/Blue and red/A little something to get along, get along, get along/Best, finest surgeon/Come cut me open” - St. Vincent
If you’re feeling sad and lonely, don’t tell him. If you are happy and successful, don’t tell him. When your health is failing, when the doctor tells you in no uncertain terms that your death is imminent, don’t even think about telling him.
I had to learn this the hard way.
“Don’t dismiss it like it’s easy/'Cause tell me what’s so easy/'Bout comin’ to say goodbye/You’re gonna miss her in the evening/You know all you need is/somebody when you come to die” - Andrew Bird
“Tied to my bed/I was younger then/I had nothing to spend but time on you/but it made me love/it made me love/it made me love more” - Sharon Van Etten
I’ve realized that this is what true happiness feels like.
I still listen to your records; I only think of you sometimes.
“Don’t think twice, it’s alright” - Bob Dylan
Leah Pickett writes about art and popular culture for WBEZ. Follow her on Twitter @leahkpickett.